smile now.
Friday, October 17, 2008 1:24 PM
For years, I tried to understand myself better, but all those times were wasted because obviously I failed the mission. I couldn't figure what I really am. This sounds silly, yes, I know. But, like example after knowing a person of course you want to know more about them right? That's what I'm trying to find out now, because yes, I agree we know ourselves better than anyone else, no doubts about that. But at the same time, I get confused very often with my own feelings. For seventeen years, I didn't get close at all. Inside, it feels empty, and I'm trying to reach for something. At the same time, behind it all, I wanted hapiness to be a part of me after it all. And so, I've read something, a story, as I read the words, one by one trying to understand it, I realized I was quite affected, one because of my dirty little past made it painful, betrayal. Anyway, I remembered asking a friend, Niss, a question. Thanks to my stm, I couldn't really remember the question, but roughly it's about a feeling you can't describe and it makes you feel so angry it makes us cry, sort of. I remember her saying, I would find out it soon, yet I denied. Silly me, for denying because we all know the truth will reveal itself one day, sooner of later. That moment, when I asked Niss the question, it was painful I wished at that point of time, I wished someone invented some kind of painkiller for such pain so I could feel better, but too bad. Haha, shoots, you know what before typing this things, I actually wrote it on paper, but like I guessed, I never stick to plan, how irritating. Oh, back to story, I actually I realized why I asked Niss that question, but of course, I'm not really sure, but that's what I think. I'm sure for now, I'm over with my past but I'm ashamed. Ashamed of what people are thinking of me, but fuck. It is embarrassing okay, fuck thanks Fizah for your fucking lies, I wish killing isn't against the law. You should be greatful for that, if not, you're dead for a year now, hell you go! Yes, yes, I kept saying I'm thought I'm over with it, when actually I'm not. Let me get this right, I am over it. But when I saw that stranger, it hit me hard. It was that guy, I was scared, angry, ashamed, sad, betrayed, badly hurt. Such things, didn't get to my brains. I never thought I will see him in person, with my nakes eyes. Of course, it wasn't his fault, but I never knew the real truth, if he doesn't know anything about it,. That was then, I felt afraid. Haha, now I feel like laughing at my stupid self. Wait, stop, this isn't making any sense. Uh, cut it short and don't confuse yourself, I want revenge and happiness. But revenge never makes one happy, unless you get satisfied. Because,I wanted to be happy so badly, I sacrifice it all. Partly, because I randomly felt happy sincerely. I smiled just because I felt that it isn't fair for the people around me, if I were to show my other self. With it, I will never have a friend, for sure. On a lighter note, I remembered people kept saying, there's someone going through all that, twice as worst that what I'm facing, and it hurts more. Whatever, rubbish I've been blabbing about, I'm thankful I have my family members, and met you all, my lovely friends. I love you all. Hahahahah, shit I hope everything I typed out doesn't make me look like a fool. Till then, eheheuahahahiheha!
